Reprint: Battle X: Rabbit and Hunter

I love Battle X stories. What's Battle X, you ask? It's a fictional planet where battles take place between anybody you imagine. In the following reprint, we see the classic rabbit versus hunter story play out. Enjoy:

Battle X: Rabbit and Hunter

by Tony

Regulus loved to watch cartoons. He enjoyed scanning the infinite timelines for Saturday morning entertainment.

One of his favorite themes was the hunter chasing the rabbit. There were an infinite number of variations on the story, but Regulus enjoyed the clever rabbit/dumb hunter version. And his favorite of this version was Rags Bunny and Zeek.

Rags was created in a universe where war was accepted by pop culture. The people on this planet were desensitized, which led to characters like Rags -- a sarcastic and sadistic bunny with big buck teeth and eyes, grey fur and ratty red overalls. He never carried a weapon, because he didn't need one. He would lead his archnemesis, Zeek, into traps, tarpits, quicksand ... and sometimes toss him off a mountaintop. The death scenes were hilarious and arousing to Regulus.

Zeek never won. He always died ... only to be brought back to life by wacky scientists, magicians, or insane family members. On today's episode, Zeek wondered aloud, shaking his fist in the air as he fell 30,000 feet from an airplane to his death, "Why can't I catch you, rabbit?"

Regulus smiled.

***

The Battle X planet: an endless array of forests, deserts, cities, country, snow, rain, and various alien conditions. This planet was designed by Regulus in a pocket universe that existed outside of any space/time continuum. Here Regulus brought his combatants to battle ... to the death.

Rags appeared in one end of a huge forest. His technicolor eyes adjusted to the 3-dimensional environment around him. His celluloid brain was overwhelmed. He began to hop around frantically, eyes bugging out.

"Calm yourself, bunny."

"Who ... who are you?" asked a trembling Rags.

"I am Regulus. I have brought you and your archnemesis, Zeek, here to battle. The winner lives ... the loser dies."

Rags brightened. "Well, that shouldn't be a problem."

Regulus chuckled. "We'll see. You have to reach the black door at the end of the forest -- that will lead you back to your cartoon. Whoever reaches it first wins."

"All right! With my heightened rabbit senses, I'll find that door in no time."

"That's if you survive."

"What do you mean?"

Silence. Rags looked around, and saw no one. Shrugging his shoulders, he said, "Oh, well."

"Rabbit!"

Rags turned around. He recognized the voice -- Zeek.

"It's time for your comeuppance," said the hunter, in a thick southern drawl. He walked out of the tree line, into the clearing where Rags stood.

Rags almost wetted himself at the sight of his enemy. Zeek was decked out with ammunition strapped over his shoulder and machine guns in both arms. There were also holsters on both of his thighs ... he was dressed in camo fatigues.

"You ain't gonna go through no door, rabbit. You is gonna die."

Rags turned and hopped off as fast as he could. Just as he did so, bullets flew in his direction.

"Lucky for me Zeek could never aim," he said as he hopped past some trees.

***

Zeek didn't care about the black door -- he wanted Rags dead. Regulus had given him the weapons to do the job ... and Rags didn't have his famous traps to bail him out here.

The rabbit was easy to track -- Rags made no effort to hide his trail. The hard part would be shooting the rabbit. Zeek wasn't worried, however -- Regulus promised that his guns wouldn't misfire. Zeek knew he had the advantage.

***

Rags searched desperately for the door. He paused at one point, breathing heavily in his cartoony manner. Then the bullets started flying as Zeek drew near, and Rags jumped in the air, arms and legs akimbo. He bolted.

This went on for hours. Rags tired ... bullets flying ... a brief chase ... Rags losing Zeek ... and Rags getting tired again, over and over, until finally the bombastic bunny ended up in the same clearing where he spoke to Regulus.

There, just to the left of where he first saw Zeek, was the black door! Rags couldn't believe it -- he was so panicked by his enemy's appearance, he didn't notice the door was there!

Rags smiled a big toothy grin, eyebrows raised in surprise. He began to walk towards the door when ...

... Zeek appeared, from behind it. Rags stopped smiling, but remained surprised. His jaw dropped.

"At last, rabbit. I got you."

"B-b-b-but...."

"Oh, I knew the door was here. I may not have your brains, but I ain't dumb, neither. I saw the door when I walked up to you, and I could tell you hadn't seen it. I know you, rabbit -- better than you know yourself.

"I figured I'd chase you around for a while -- scare the heck out of you. And that I did, that I did.

"I was gonna shoot you, but look at you. I've been wanting to see you scared for a long time now. It's almost better than killing you, rabbit. I just wanted you to know that I had beat you, before you died."

"No!" Rags screamed. He jumped through the air, flying towards the black door, in a last desperate attempt. Zeek smiled as he opened the door and walked through.

Rags smacked into the door just as Zeek shut it. He landed in a heap ... and the door disappeared. Rags lay there in the Battle X forest, waiting for the inevitable.

Regulus appeared, and walked up to the rabbit.

***

Zeek smiled as he walked back on the drawing board ... until he noticed all the settings were gone. The board was blank. He looked out of the 2-dimensional environment, and saw his artist, Charlie Kapler, drawing him. He could feel the ink defining his face, arms and hands.

The door opened, and another artist, Roger Cain, walked in. He peered over Charlie's shoulder. "Still drawing Zeek, huh?"

"Yeah. I can't get enough of the guy."

Roger put his hand on Charlies shoulder. "This was bound to happen."

A tear ran down Charlie's cheek. Randall Ballo had been his friend and lover for over 40 years, as well as the voice of Rags Bunny. After Randall died last year, Marino Brothers had hired a new voice ... but the fans didn't take to it. Ratings dropped ... and the cartoon was cancelled. Drawing Zeek had helped him grieve, but now that was being taken from him.

Charlie shut the light off on his drawing board for the last time. Zeek watched Roger console Charlie as they walked out.

Zeek couldn't hear, but he could tell that the show was over. Sure, he may return someday, in a movie or TV special ... but it would never be the same. Rags Bunny was dead, and he was about to disappear into cartoon obscurity.

Zeek smiled. At least I got that rabbit in the end, he thought to himself.