Reprint: XBox: “How was your day today, sir?”

Well, after 10 months of patience, we finally cracked open the Wii Fit for Christmas. I bought it on sale when I had cash -- considering how 2009 went, in terms of medical expenses, I'm glad I did!

The kids were very happy with the new addition to the Wii. I was struck by how interactive the Wii Fit Board on the screen was -- he was part comedian, part counselor. He was like Billy Crystal hosting the Oscars and then giving you advice on comedy after the show.

Well, during day two, after a Body Test, the Wii Fit board said, "Did you know dogs and their owners communicate via eye contact?" or something like that.

I said, "Wait a minute -- how does it know we have a dog?"

The Wii Fit board was silent. Tke kids were like, "Yeah! How does it know? That's crazy!"

What had I allowed to enter our home? Was this part of some Cybernet conspiracy where the computers have to take us over and keep us in good shape? I mean, holy cow, talk about intuitive!

When I'm doing yoga, for example, the board knows when I'm exhaling with my mouth or nose. As a singer, I've trained to exhale out of my mouth -- but this board keeps insisting I need to breathe out with my nose!

I guess that means it doesn't know I sing ... or maybe it doesn't think much of my vocal abilities?

Man, that's scary.

Okay, all kidding aside -- when the Wii Fit board made the quip about the dog, I immediately thought of this classic DailySkew parody written by Damian, back in the day. This baby hasn't been on the web in years (Part of the DailySkew Year One collection), so I'll hope you'll appreciate it and share it with all your Wii Fit/XBox/PS3/[INSERT VIDEO GAME SYSTEM HERE] friends and pals!

Here it is:

XBox: “How was your day today, sir?”

by Jenny Thomas, M.O.T. reporter

Justin Peeler is a 28-year old accountant living in a house in a New York City suburb.
He has spent the last few years trying to make his life as financially secure as possible.
Unfortunately, he tended to get so caught up in the rat race that his personal relation-
ships suffered.

Justin’s last relationship was with Marci Chan, an artist he met at the Village. They
were seeing each other for 10 months before things went bad -- real bad.

“Marci -- yeah, that was tough,” Justin said via telephone. “I thought we were both on
the same page, but I messed up and she never forgave me. I just woke up one day
with no confidence, no self-esteem, and no social skills. (They lived together in her
apartment.) She got so turned off at my mood swing, that she stopped talking to me.
We drifted off, and I got very angry with her. I said some very hurtful things to her.”

“That was four years ago,” he continued. “Last I heard she got married to some guy
who owns a gym in Queens.”

“But that was it,” he said. “I gave up on women after that. Decided to focus on my own
life. Stop trying to live other people’s lives. I loved her, but as the weeks passed on, I
managed to forget her beauty.”

* * *

The DailySkew.com sent my news agency, The Ministry of Truth, to have a face-to-
face visit with Justin at his home. I got the assignment, and I was looking forward to
speaking with him. He seemed like a nice guy.

When I first entered his home, I noticed how clean and organized it was -- if not a bit
empty. He had high-tech computer equipment, lots of files and paperwork, and a wide-
screen television.

I could have sworn I heard Justin speaking with someone before he let me in his home.
He greeted me with a smile as he shook my hand.

“Is that the reporter, Justin?” a robotic voice asked.

“Yes, Xbox. She has arrived,” Justin responded.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, “who was that?”

“That’s Xbox. That is my companion.”

He led me into his living room and introduced me to Microsoft’s video game system,
the Xbox.

“Xbox is my friend. We talk a lot. You know it could get pretty lonely living here. Thank-
fully, I have the Xbox to ask me how my day went,” Justin said.

“I don’t understand,” I commented.

“My Xbox has somehow acquired a sentient mind,” he told me.

“Are you sure you should be talking to her about me?” Xbox asked in a monotone
voice.

“Yeah, the Daily Skew is run by two good guys. They can be trusted,” Justin replied.

“Would you like to sit down then, reporter?” Xbox asked me.

“I … how do you know I am standing?” I asked it.

“I have sensors located in the front if my outer shell,” it said, “which enable me to see
you.”

“Xbox, I’m going to get some soda; you want anything?” Justin offered.

“No thank you, Justin. Perhaps the reporter would like something,” the machine said.

“Want anything?” Justin asked.

“No … no thanks,” I cautiously responded. “How could the Xbox drink or eat?”

“I am an organism, and by definition, organisms require sustenance in the form of food
or sunlight,” it said.

“Xbox is my friend,” Justin said from the kitchen, “I don’t think you should pry any-
more.”

“This is getting too weird for me, in all honesty,” I said. “I’d better leave.”

“There is no need to be upset, female,” Xbox said. “I assure you that I am perfectly
harmless.”

“I don’t care -- you are a mockery of life. And Justin -- snap out of it! Xbox is not nor-
mal!” I exclaimed.

“I think you’d better leave now, woman,” Justin coldly said.

“Justin -- you’re a successful man. Surely you can build a social life again, go out
and.... ”

“Please shut your mouth,” Xbox interrupted, “or prepare yourself for disintegration.”

“What? What in the world is going on here?” I shouted.

“Marci is having sex right now with a muscle bound stud. I am an accountant. I will re-
tire in a few decades. I will live out my remaining life, making no difference in this
world. No one will know or care when I pass on. Xbox is my friend now. Whereas Marci
and all of the others have hurt me in the past, Xbox offers nothing but affection and
consideration to me. We never get into any miscommunications or arguments. I’m
afraid you’ll have to leave and never come back,” he commanded.

I left.

***

I guess I should be writing a moral to this story, but I don’t know what it is. I’ll never
know how the Xbox came to life. I feel that it was alive -- the way it spoke to me was
very eerie.

And who am I to judge Justin? He seemed content living his life the way he wanted.

I wonder if he really is the lucky one.